For far too long I have worked hard to hide my imperfections from the world.
Too hard. Too long.
Too much time, effort and energy consumed in creating and maintaining the mask. Mustn’t let it slip. Mustn’t let it slide. Must ensure I measure up.
Isn’t that what we have been taught? Since we were knee high, the big people told us that it was our job to be our best selves. To be good. To get it right. To measure up.
Sometimes the big people said that, even when they couldn’t do it for themselves. But they were big and we were small, and so we believed them.
And since then, we have carried on trying. Even now that we are big, we still try to be our best selves. To be good. To get it right. To measure up.
Maybe we manage for a while. Perhaps, from time to time, temporarily, we are able to be the person we think we want to be. It seems like things are going our way. It seems like we are getting things right. ‘This is the real me‘, we proudly declare.
And then, again, we make a mistake, we let someone down, we monumentally screw up. The mask of good-enoughness slides once more. Our faults and inadequacies are revealed in all their painful glory.
We scramble for the mask. Must repress and suppress our faults and flaws. Must be enough.
I’m tired of this game. Are you?
I’m tired of maintaining a mask that does nothing to feed my soul but does everything to prevent a sense of true connection to the people around me. The mask is meant to serve me, yet it does far more to keep me alone.
I am a seeker and I am flawed. I am scratched and scarred. I’m a mess of contradictions and insufficiencies. I screw up—frequently!
But I’m not playing any more.
I am a seeker and today, I choose to be done with the game. I am throwing away the mask—permanently!
Will the world like what it sees? Maybe not.
Will revealing my inadequacies make others uncomfortable? Probably.
Will I be judged or criticised for my choices? Undoubtedly.
But can I really be anything different to who I am, flaws and all? Of that I am sure—I cannot.
I am a seeker and I am flawed. Blemished. Deficient. Imperfect.
But that’s okay. Because I am a seeker and these flaws make me.
(Taken from a series of articles written for a project called “Notes from a Seeker”)