A little while ago, I thought I knew what this thing called letting go was. I didn’t just think that I understood it conceptually, I truly believed that I lived it. I was prepared to jump into the unknown – that was letting go wasn’t it? I was prepared to take risks before I knew what would happen – surely that was letting go? I meditated, turned my life over and asked the Universe to guide me in the right direction – that had to be letting go didn’t it? I was a letting go champion, really I was …wasn’t I?
I couldn’t have been more wrong. My version of letting go was being willing to swing on the trapeze of life’s adventures providing there was a safety net below. Therein lies the issue. Whilst my mind was busy convincing me that I was mastering letting go, my fearful ego was making regular checks of the safety net. In other words, I was prepared to swing totally freely… within the confines of a carefully planned set of criteria.
Then things changed. I faced a personal challenge that I couldn’t fix. I’ve always been great at solving problems. I considered myself to be optimistic and resourceful. There had to be a solution. I just hadn’t looked hard enough or asked the right people or done enough meditation. I upped the ante! The problem continued whilst the clock slowly ticked by. Something was bound to change. I could feel it in my bones. More looking, more asking, more meditation and a sprinkle of praying. Praying…of course, that was the missing ingredient. Lots more praying was definitely what was needed. I prayed. Nothing changed.
But hang on, I could do better than that. I’ve been on this personal growth path for years. Clearly I hadn’t overcome this challenge because my focus and alignment was wrong. Ah-ha. That was it. I needed some affirmations; “This problem is now resolved in ways easier than I could have ever imagined“. I said it every day. I said it morning, noon and night. I wrote it out. I told the mirror. I told anyone who would listen. But still the challenge remained!
Eventually, I had exhausted my tool kit of resources. I was out of options. For the first time in my life, I gave in to an unfixable problem!
Giving in felt as awful as I had ever imagined it could. Suddenly I was plummeting to the ground with no safety net in sight. Through the layers of my crumbling identity I fell. All of the self-protective shells I had created – being strong, being smart, being resourceful. Then into my fears. I passed by inadequacy, stupidity and hopelessness. Still I kept falling. I wanted someone or something to make it stop… to just reassure me one more time that it was going to be okay and to offer me a lifeline. Nothing happened.
Then just when I thought I could take it no longer, my whole being was flooded with peace. I had been so afraid of my world falling apart and not being able to cope. My world was falling apart but I was still here. I thought I was scared of losing everything. Really I had been terrified of discovering what I might find when the pretty accessories were taken away.
But there was nothing ever to fear. As we strip away the layers of conditioning, we find the child-like perfection of knowing that we are good enough and life is working out… All ways! We knew it when we were young. Right up until that point when we decided to listen to the voice of our irrational fear. Then we made a decision that we were going to hold on to whatever we could for as long as we could. We believed our lives depended on it!
I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t give up but I did I let go and surrender. And when I stopped needing to protect my self-identity I discovered something really special. Who needs a safety net when you know you can fly?